What would you say if I told you that many 20- to 23-year-old Master’s students in India don’t know the names of their genitals? Probably something like, “That’s not possible”, or, “I’m sure they know one of the names!” OK, let’s find out. Going by the survey I conducted with one such group back in 2015 and my practice as a therapist, I have found that the majority of us have no clue about the names of our own body parts. I would encourage you to ask anyone on the street or around you who is above 18 years of age, in your own survey, and find out. I would even urge you to ask yourself. If you were given a questionnaire which asked you to name the reproductive parts of male and female human bodies (not considering intersex bodies due to lack of awareness), how many do you think you’ll know? Even if you know at least four of each, I’d put my money on you being in the minority in this country. And, don’t be surprised if the most common names that come to mind are those which we learn from cuss words in various languages.
In my area of work, I have come across various examples of how misconceptions and incomplete knowledge about our bodies and sexuality are harmful to us.
How do you think not knowing the names of our genitals impacts us? One of the most common examples I have found is that of child sexual abuse. There are scores of children who are unable to tell anybody of ongoing sexual abuse because they simple lack the vocabulary to do so. By using made up words for a child’s genitals, we unintentionally pass on the learning of shame and silence about the topic. This means that the child knows that one isn’t supposed to talk about “it” in public, or even private. Any dialogue around sexuality, starting with the naming of genitals is either shushed or ignored, or, in extreme cases, even heavily punished.
This creates an inability to understand and report sexual abuse and can continue well into adulthood. Imagine suffering from and coping with a traumatic experience like that and holding onto to that secret for decades, all alone, because it took you that long to put words to that experience.
Often when a parent brings their child for therapy because they know the child has suffered sexual abuse, I have observed that it is common that the parents are clueless about how, when, or by whom it happened. They are unable to speak to their children about it, and the child too is unable to communicate what has happened. This is a very regular occurrence and points to the prevalent culture of silence around sexuality.
Coming back to the point of learning names of our genitals from cuss words – what does it mean when the meaning of your reproductive organs come from cuss words? It means that the first real understanding you had of them is related to something violent and dirty, something to hide and be ashamed of. This shameful perception of the nether regions of the body doesn’t get corrected on its own with time. Instead, it festers and flows into issues of body image, self-esteem, and sexual identity. It then necessitates a correction process of education and breaking away from silence and taboo in order to change how we feel and see our sexualities.
To give you another example, I know of a heterosexual married couple who visited an IVF clinic, as they were unable to conceive a child after trying for 12 years. Through rigorous counselling it was discovered that the couple had been instructed not to bend their knees while having sex! This misinformation from an unknown source not only kept them from conceiving a child, but also led them to 12 years of uncomfortable and unsatisfying sex.
Yes, the silence around sexuality that we grow up with can lead us to feel too ashamed and timid to talk about sex. So much so that it allows for decades, and perhaps even a lifetime, to pass before realizing that all you needed was knowledge. We have to make a deliberate effort to change how little we know about sexuality and gender, and then begin to talk about it and pass it on to the young ones.
To form this new relationship, it is important to begin with the basics. Something seemingly unimportant like the name of our genitals can become a foundation of this new society which makes it OK to ask questions about our bodies and our sexualities (here is some “Gentila Jaankari” by Agents of Ishq we should all know about). What if instead of made up baby vocabulary learnt in childhood or cuss words learnt in adulthood, we knew the scientific names for our reproductive parts which helped us have a deeper understanding of our bodies? What if we had positive connotations of how our language addresses such integral parts of our bodies?
Instead of being caught in cycles of ignorance which come in the way of living safe, healthy, and fulfilling lives, we can create a new culture which facilitates and encourages understanding, seeking help, and even seeking community while countering problems related to our bodies and our sexuality.
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