"See, he already got married again within one month of divorce, and here you are still struggling, crying for no reason", Janak*, 29 years, brother of the survivor of domestic abuse, marital rape and sexual assault.
People are still getting used to the choice to remarry after enduring struggles in marriage. If the struggle was borne by one partner while the other partner remains aversive to imparting any abuse, pain, violence and hurt, then it is hard to estimate the extent of mental abuse. Legislatively, India still lacks a legally recognized definition of mental abuse, unlike UK or USA, where emotional and mental abuse is entwined and defined legally. Mental abuse can surpass the boundaries of age, gender, situations, economics, generations, marital status, experience and exposure.
"I think you should also think about remarrying. Don't give up on marriage so easily".."Some men are wrong, but not everyone".."It's sad that you had to go through this, but what other option he had".."If a woman doesn't listen then she has to be prepared for either silent treatment or violent treatment"... "Lattha maar hona padta hai shaadi me (You have to be bold, reluctant and direct in marriages)"... "That's how marriage works, it has been 14 years still we are not on the same page".."One person has to sacrifice and shut up so that the other can be themselves. Only such marriages are doing okay. Usually its women to shut up"... These are some of the conversations highlight that Nandini*, 36 years heard in a recent wedding celebration she attended with her brother Janak*. She recently got divorced and was trying to get back on her feet.
It is already hard for Nandini* and other similar partners who have faced abuse and violence in their marriages to continue to speak up to their relatives, family members and friends. It was hard enough in the first place to explain the gravity and extent of abuse again and again in court during divorce proceedings. The judgemental people in the courtroom, including the Babus (bureaucrats under the judge), passed before she even told her story by asking her to wait to sign in attendance until her husband presented himself. It was the push to include her husband's identity in her name that she received from her lawyer when she said she hadn't changed and adopted her husband's name after marriage. The relatives didn't help in making things better either. They would come and remind her that she was such a lovable kid when she was younger and that she suffered the consequences of the choice she made against her parents' will to marry this non-caste-conforming man.
The friends' judged her too for explaining to them what had happened, why she called it rape when she didn't call it rape, why things went out of hand, why her suffering continues, etc. The friends left her too to introspect because. "You made a big mistake by departing from the man you married to, resisting the wishes of your parents after six long years of courtship", they warned. It is a hard journey from deciding to marry and then deciding to 'unmarry', especially legally. Most of the survivors under such circumstances have faced a dilemma, hypocrisy, disgust, repenting or not, resistance, isolation and being expelled, cussed at by people who used to be close, judged and misunderstood more often, made decisions on behalf and whatnot.
Divorce is just one story, one example, and one struggle to withstand mental abuse closed one subject survivor too. There are several other situations alike; many of us have heard stories about bad fathers or mothers-in-law, interfering sisters-in-law, controlling husbands, possessive wives, non-understanding parents or one classmate labelling something negative to another one; the list is endless and interchangeable. In all such cases of abuse, one common struggle is to get out of the abuse mentally. Although COVID-19 has taught us to heal mentally and physically, sometimes ripping off a bandage or other times starting from scratch, the continuum to work on oneself while the expectations around are for us to progress is still a challenge for many. "So, what's new in your life?", "How have you been?" "Do you live with your family?", "What's the progress in xyz front?" are difficult questions for people with ill health and an ongoing struggle, while it may seem otherwise.
Moreso, the normalization of mental abuse, since one cannot physically see it or show evidence for it, is the least recognized yet hardest to endure kind of struggle. A few days ago, Nandini* received a text message from an old friend with pictures screenshot of the status of her ex-husband. The text read, "I feel disgusted with the audacity of this man. This quick he moved on while causing so much trouble. I am mad at you for not leaving him soon and for not entangling him in alimony demands". Her brother, Janak*, who was taking a picture from her phone, saw and read the text. "See, he already got married again within one month of divorce, and here you are still struggling, crying for no reason", he angrily uttered.
This led to the understanding that even though it is hard to put mental abuse in appropriate words, it is even harder not to let it normalize across families and generations. Mental abuse leads to poor mental health, and every victim has a different pace and strength to heal. The journey from victimhood to survivorship is short for some while hard and long for others. There is no standard time that can be pinned to mark the healing journey. Normalization of abuse by people one surrounds with makes it more struggling and challenging.
During the #16DaysofActivism, let us pledge not to normalize or let biases, self-doubts and self-beliefs hinder the healing process for your close ones. It is high time we open dialogue on recognizing and acknowledging mental abuse to create corrective and preventive solutions towards healing.
*Name changed to preserve privacy