Tilottama, a young bride in Deogarh, Odisha, initiated the construction of toilets in the village where she moved after marriage. Her persistence has finally paid off: her village is now open defecation free.

When Tilottama Dalabehera, 36, came to Mandasila, a village under Deogarh district, as a young bride over a decade ago, not a single house in the village had a toilet. She noticed that the villagers went out to the open fields and ponds to attend to the call of nature, unlike her maternal house where each house had an attached toilet. It was tough, especially for women and children, as there was a fixed time when they were invariably forced to venture out – either in the wee hours or after sunset.

“It got even worse during the rainy season. Snakes, insects and mud pools added to the ordeal. I could not attend to the call of nature for days altogether in such circumstances. This change in my routine was the cause of several health issues as well,” recalls Tilottama.

There were lurking dangers in the form of violence by troublemakers. The women and young girls were at risk as they sat in secluded and lonely places to attend to the call of nature.

Inconvenience, health hazards, and safety were the main reasons that forced Tilottama to think of alternatives. She discussed the matter with other women in the village and was astonished to see that the women unanimously supported the idea of every house having its own toilet. The lack of a strong voice to address the issue was the root cause of their daily struggle.

It was not an easy task to initiate toilet construction in the resettled village, where 70% families belonged to Scheduled Caste, with a hand to mouth existence. However, Tilottama triggered the thought amongst the women and they finally agreed to give it a try.

Soon, following the sustained campaign by women, led by Tilottama, 20 households constructed their own toilets under the Nirmal Bharat Scheme (now the Swachh Bharat Mission). However, most villagers continued with the practice of open defecation in the fields and nearby water bodies. Bringing about a change in the mindset of the villagers was the need of the hour.

Tilottama’s dedication towards this positive change made her attend a training at JEETA, a partner of WaterAid India. She thus became the village motivator for water, sanitation, and hygiene issues. “I kept telling people that having a toilet at home was beneficial health-wise because people were prone to several diseases like diarrhoea and infections by defecating in the open.”

Soon, the campaign got a boost. Volunteers from JEETA interacted with the villagers, and organised meetings and campaigns on water, sanitation and hygiene, motivating the community to construct toilets and use them.

Tilottama’s innovative practices helped her collaborate with 129 women from 10 self-help groups (SHGs) in the village for the campaign. Thereafter, a Swachhata Committee was formed to promote the cause, as well as ease the flow of government incentives for each household that constructs a toilet.

As a result of their diligence, 116 of the total 120 houses in the village soon had their own toilets, while the remaining four households migrated from the village for personal reasons. Interestingly, most of the villagers constructed toilets on their own.

Following the women’s proactive role in the successful implementation of the project, the village was soon connected with piped water. Even though the villagers pay a minimal fee for the operation and maintenance of the piped water supply, they are satisfied with the positive change coming along.

Acceptance for toilets has also emerged with time. A village elder, Bikari Charan Nayak, shared, “Construction of toilets has ushered in added benefits in the form of better health and clean water supply for the villagers. Our village used to be reeling under water scarcity three years back. Also, earlier, people were frequently down with typhoid and bouts of diarrhoea. Now it has declined considerably, while cleanliness has increased.”

Tilottama, a class 10 dropout, has now been given the responsibility to be the community resource person for all the SHGs in the village. Her husband, Minaketan Dalbehera, a farmer, supported her throughout with her endeavours.

But for Tilottama, the work is far from over. “Although the villagers have stopped going outside to defecate, cleanliness is still an issue. Our aim is to make it a practice forever.”

The post Meet Tilottama, Who Pulled Off A Real Life ‘Toilet – Ek Prem Katha’ In Odisha appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

It was a Saturday afternoon. Dressed in my shorts and a royal blue t-shirt, I ran down the stairs. My daily evening ritual would begin around 5 pm when my friends from the colony would ring my door bell, inviting me to join them in loitering around the colony, sometimes on foot and sometimes on our bicycles.

Play time in the evening was the most awaited time of our day. After spending six hours that felt like years at our respective schools followed by the torture called ‘tuition’, evenings were our time. The streets belonged to us and we were free to do whatever we liked.

From climbing up the cement mountains near construction sites, to running after and then away from dogs. We could play hide and seek, fly kites, race towards the slope-like road on our bicycles or just sit on the grass contemplating if the abandoned old house in the last block was really haunted.

It was also in this space that we had claimed for ourselves that each of us was being judged by the people around us. As we leaned on cars for support and chatted about our class, maths and boys, we were coming under the radar of those ‘sweet’ aunties and uncles whose part time job was to spot potential bigde hue ladkas and ladkis (spoilt boys and girls).

They would pass us by giving us a smile or a mean look and we would be immediately blacklisted if we forgot to greet them or did not notice their intrusive presence around us.

Almost all the residents knew each other, the children and their parents. After finishing their household chores, women would come out in the evening to get some fresh air and discuss a thing or two. In this group of women, there would always be a few to spot the ‘bigde hue‘ (spoilt) children, who would patiently wait and veer the discussion towards her topic and then reveal her newest ‘spoilt kid’ discoveries.

Then, after a ‘Mrs Sharma’ had left the daily gathering at the park, the spoilt kid spotter would casually comment on how Mrs. Sharma’s son was roaming with a girl or how the guard had often seen him entering home way past midnight.

She would then go on to become an astrologer, revealing the future of Mrs Sharma’s son. How he didn’t study, how he was a distracted person who wouldn’t even help his parents in their old age and eventually bring disgrace to his family.

As a young girl with a strong sense of right and wrong, I was always ready to speak my thoughts and strongly expressed my views irrespective of the age and position of the person in front of me.

Easily irritated by the wrongdoings of others, I used to be very vocal about my dislike of certain people and on several occasions, I answered back to people older than me in the colony.

Saying what we had in mind and being straightforward equates to being impolite, ill-mannered and spoilt, as I learned later. My young self had no clue that raising your voice against people who say and do wrong things is also wrong.

Children while playing often tend to get into small fights. We too, while playing, got into little fights with a few children who said we could not cycle in front of their house. Now this house wasn’t some isolated property at the countryside where we were trespassing, it was a part of a colony where all the children cycled.

When I refused to stop cycling, these children got their parents involved who stopped my cycle, held it by the hand breaks and threatened to slap me if they saw me cycling near their house again. I told them that if they dared slap me, I would call the police and get them in jail. Quite a few nonsensical statements followed from their side where they just tried to bad mouth me because I refused to get scared. I was the stubborn ill-mannered child, who went around fighting in the colony.

Almost 10 years later, I was driving back home one day. When I entered the colony, a taxi came right in front of me from the left which was a blind spot for me since I was on the middle road. Without honking, it came speeding right in front of me and despite me quickly hitting the brakes, our vehicles banged into each other.

Fortunately, since I had hit the brakes in time, hardly any noticeable damage was done to the car and the passengers were all fine. I stayed in the car, calm and ready to sort things amicably. But the lady in the taxi came out angry spitting abuses from her mouth and shouting at me to come out of the car. She banged my window, tried to open my car and gathered a crowd. I was aware that I had done nothing wrong. I tried to call my parents to sort things out.

The woman said that I was a spoilt girl who was given a car by her parents and would have almost killed her and her family together. Appalled by such unnecessary allegations, I could not control my anger and burst out, finally talking to her in her language. Even though I was right on that day and was standing up for myself, since I was a young looking girl, it was easier for everyone to believe that I’m indeed a spoilt kid with a car, who drives rashly and doesn’t know how to talk to elders. So automatically, it was my fault.

As bad as I felt that day, I also realised that the judgement that people pass on you holds no merit in your life. People have created labels and stereotypes which will always try to pull you down, cage you, suffocate you and discourage you from being yourself and speaking your mind. But giving in to these labels is not the answer. Living in the same society we, too, have grown up with several stereotypes and labels. Be it at a market place, inside the metro or at a restaurant, we, too, have judged people with our friends and have had a laugh.

It’s time we unlearn these labels and let everyone just be. It is time to be carefree, it is time to fly.

The post If You’re A Girl Who Speaks Her Mind, You’re Trouble Just Like Me appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

Co-author: Prabhleen Kaur 

The journey of two millennials who have gone through their share of infatuation, friendship, dating and finally marriage will never be complete until they face the dilemma of balancing life as per their rules and the rules of society.

There is a fine line between living life per the norms of society and acknowledging that there exist some rules in a society. Our formative years as individuals and as a couple went into convincing the society and more importantly our own conscience, that we were not doing anything evil or unnatural.

We started our relationship as young teenagers. And like all Indian teenage relationships, ours was also built on the strong pillars of guilt and social stigma. Every time we met, there was this strange nervousness that someone around us will sneak up and say the three horrendous words- “Beta yaha kaise?” Every moment we spent together made us feel guilty.

Every date was confined to a shopping mall’s staircase, as all the other places where one could share a personal conversation or moment was under the surveillance of snoopy aunties and uncles. Instead of knowing each other’s sleep patterns, we were well versed with the sleep cycles of the respective parents so that we could find a convenient time to call each other.

After completing college and bagging jobs in the same city, we thought our accountability to society has finished. Every box that the society presented was ticked by us:

• Good School
• Good Education
• Good Marks
• Good College
• Good Degree
• Good Jobs

           ^{*Conditions Apply}

All this while we thought that we are grown adults now, and are no longer answerable to society.  However, we realised that we, as individuals had grown, but society hadn’t.

Gradually our urge to spend time together, the mutual interest of hosting friends and creating our own space made us look for an accommodation. We thought by paying the rent on time and by promising to keep the house clean and safe, we would get a decent place in no time. But we didn’t know that drinking anything other than water and milk, eating non-vegetarian food and coming late would make us unworthy of a roof over our head. We were expected to deposit our integrity and self-respect along with the security money.

Things were going well for us. We were doing well professionally and we both liked each other a lot. So, things took an obvious turn and our friends and some family members reminded us of our intentions towards each other quite repeatedly. Getting married was supposed to be the next peak that we had to scale in the ‘natural’ progression of our relationship.

Somehow, common sense prevailed and we managed to have an extended courtship period wherein we saw happiness, sadness, tears, fights, illness and long distance. We decided to get married and being the naïve individuals that we are, we thought that we would be perfectly suited for each other because we:

• Know each other
• Love each other
• Accept each other
• Are comfortable with each other
• Respect each other’s family
• Respect each other’s work
• Respect each other.

^{*Conditions Apply}

Again, we were left with some more questions to answer, such as;

How much more does the husband earn than the wife? Would she work post marriage? When will she apply for a name change? Where would you go for the honeymoon? Which 5 Star hotel would have the wedding ceremony? Would she get along with the mother-in-law?

No one asked whether she will be comfortable, or if she will be able to travel to her work from their new house. Nobody asked if he would keep her happy or if they’ll be able to cope with the changes.

Till now we have shared our sob story of how we were judged, shamed and ridiculed at every junction of our relationship. But we have not shared our response and justification of earning the title of “Mr and Miss ‘Fit'”.

Firstly, we were honest with each other from the start and expressed our desire to be with each other for who we are and not for what society wants us to be. We decided to date for a considerably long time, go on trips together, stay together and to be answerable to each other instead of others.

We are a ‘misfit’ because she earns more and he likes cooking. We are a misfit because both of us continue to eat non-vegetarian food during navratras. We married outside our caste and we retained our surnames. She does not wear sindoor or mangalsutra, nor does she keep any fast.  We are a ‘misfit’ because we do not want something from each other, we want to be everything for each other.

We have been proudly claiming that we are a misfit, but do we really intend to be a misfit? Did we demand something extraordinary that would make our families heads hang in shame? Do we really deserve to be a misfit?

Are the norms of the society so fragile that these norms would be questioned by the actions of couples like us?

But maybe, we are not the misfits. Maybe it’s society that’s missing out by not fitting us.

The post We Thought We Were Perfect For Each Other, But Society Didn’t appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

My fight is to keep blogging real and no troll is stopping me. If there is a story that needs a voice then I will make sure that the facts are shared without any bias.

I am not a fashion blogger, which means I would never be commercially viable. I am 30ish and on the cusp of dying, as far as social media likability is concerned. I am not young, only restless. A Kajal is not going to change my vision, neither will a perfect red lipstick give more power to my words. Seven ways to wear a white shirt is not my agenda, I want more women alive – I want them to be alive within. With this simple conviction I started blogging about real women and their stories.

There is so much heart, soul and research that goes into every blog post. I had to extend this vision forward, writing was not enough, I needed to get at the grass root level and dig for hope like a scavenger.

I went to Kamathipura and found a story about virgins (victims of the Devdasi culture) being sold and fed cow steroids to make them more desirable. I personally went through lot of internal conflict before putting it on the blog, considering it was risky. But if my stories don’t make you think, then what is the point of this tremendous reach. The story was also published Youth Ki Awaaz and soon because of that, the traffic on my website was uncontrollable. Within a fraction of 3-5 hours I had received threats from across India for being politically involved, being a feminist and having religious preferences.

The story about Kamathipura has an important lesson which should be shared – hiding from reality does not make it disappear. Sad, how some people refuse to see the bigger picture and continue to think mediocre. Faceless trolls usually attack you in groups and contribute to online negativity.

There are things no one tells you about going viral and one of them is that it can leave you feeling completely exposed and vulnerable. Online hate made me stubborn about a lot of things in life, I refuse to alter my vision for social media acceptability.

I recently attended the #NoPlace4Hate event organised by YKA in collaboration with Facebook in Mumbai. With so many women openly expressing their views online, we definitely need some kind of mechanism and sensitisation on how to deal with online hate. The panelists shared great insights about their personal experience with trolls.

I am a futurist I believe the future belongs to women and I will continue to fight through words. The fire within has to be channelised to drive change, don’t reduce yourself to what is expected from you.

You can check out Pooja’s blog and Facebook page here and here.

The post No One Tells You What Happens When You Go Viral, But No Troll Can Stop Me appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

“Mahatma Gandhi dreamt of an India which was not only free but also clean and developed.” These were the words with which PM Narendra Modi inaugurated the Swachh Bharat Abhiyan (SBA) in 2014. He called upon the 125-crore-strong Indian population on board an ambitious movement to gift Gandhi the Clean India of his dreams in 2019. With much pomp and splendour, the movement took off, emphasising on freedom from open defecation as a stepping stone to equality.

In 3 years, over 1 crore toilets have been built across the country. But is India really open defecation free (ODF)? Comments on a visual Youth Ki Awaaz had shared earlier revealed that the practice continues even in big cities like Mumbai and Hyderabad that have officially been declared as ODF. And this is just one example of how the Abhiyan has been failing. Why? For one, building toilets across the country has not adequately addressed the need for attitudinal change that is paramount to making India ‘clean’. But a bigger concern is that the SBA, built on the premise of securing social and economic equality in the long run, is ironically very selective in its approach.

Don’t believe us? Take a look at those that the SBA has forgotten in the race to make Bharat Swachh:

1.  Ragpickers Segregating India’s Waste

India generates 1,00,000 metric tonnes of waste per day. And the mammoth task of waste segregation is left to India’s ragpickers, according to Shashi Bhushan Pandit, who runs the All India Kabadi Mazdoor Mahasangh (All India Ragpickers Union). Ragpickers work in dangerous conditions, without safety gear, minimum wages and technical training. Consequently, a lot of reusable waste also ends up in landfills.

By simply formalising their work and ensuring basic rights, India can make giant leaps in waste management – truly making it Swachh. Because presenting clean roads, while overburdening landfills doesn’t make the cut for ‘development’.

2. Manual Scavengers Who Continue To Work In The Shadows

In 2014, the Supreme Court of India made a landmark move directing state governments to ban the inhuman practice of manual scavenging and work towards rehabilitation.To date, however, dry latrines continue to exist, with over 5 lakh people – 95% Dalits – employed in cleaning shit with their bare hands.

According to Ashif Shaikh, founder of Jan Sahas, the Indian Railways itself has over 4 lakh dry toilets in its coaches and is the largest employer of manual scavengers, despite the practice being illegal. Without financial support and inclusion and at the mercy of the exploitative caste system and institutions, this community, Shaikh says, barely has access to the sanitation that Swachh Bharat promises to all.

3. Transgender Community At The Butt Of Societal Stigma

In 2014, trans people in India got legal recognition as the ‘third gender’. Yet, this community’s basic right to sanitation is consistently ignored. For instance, renowned trans-rights activist Akkai Padmashali faced harassment and was told, “You don’t belong here,” while trying to use the women’s toilet in a government building in Karnataka, as recently as last year.

And she’s not alone. Without safe toilets for trans people available in public spaces, lakhs are subject to abuse and harassment. This even makes many want to hold back the urge to pee, rather use a public toilet.

4. Domestic Workers Denied Right To Use The Toilets They Clean

Another concern that SBA needs to focus on urgently is the fact that discrimination over toilets begins in our very homes. For many domestic workers, the right to use the toilets in the homes they clean is denied. Speaking to just 3 – 4 domestic workers in Delhi revealed that many of them prefer to defecate in the open rather than face the abuse that comes with using toilets in people’s homes.

When toilets at home itself are considered to be “too pure” for “maids” to use, how does building more toilets outside lead to a more equal, Swachh Bharat?

5. People With Disabilities In Most Public Spaces

Be it urban, rural, private or public setups, using toilets is near-impossible for people with disabilities. Just last year, YKA user Jolly Mohan published a story, on being forced to wear adult diapers, because she happens to be a wheelchair user and toilets are inaccessible for her.

And let’s face it. We still see a fair number of public toilets across urban landscapes in India, but how many are built keeping people with disabilities in mind? And how many disability-friendly toilets are kept in running condition on priority?

6. Menstruating Women Who Dare To Step Out Of Their Homes

We belong to a society that has a significant history of stigmatising and discriminating women who are on their period. For several women, the lack of hygiene, lack of sanitary pad dispensers and unavailability of clean, running water in public toilets acts as a deterrent, with many being forced to pee on the road. And the question on their lips can’t be asked enough: Kab aayegi swachhta (when will cleanliness be a reality)?

7. People Living In Slums Who Aren’t On The SBA’s Radar

For people living in slums in India, using public toilets is nothing short of a nightmare. For instance, in West Delhi’s Nangloi district, the only usable toilets in the area are covered in shit and hardly maintained. And in East Delhi’s Seelampur area, even the toilets in the local hospital lack cleanliness and maintenance to the extent that people defecate in the open in the healthcare centre itself, posing even more of a health risk.

The Swachh Bharat Mission’s ambition to clean India is in the right place. But more than halfway through, shouldn’t the government take stock and realise that its twin promise of cleanliness and equality is falling through, and at a massive scale? The high level publicity around the movement overshadows those who are suffering and will continue to suffer if the Abhiyan persists on being a movement for the privileged. And the only hope for the lakhs of people who are ignored is to call the government’s attention to their plight urgently.

The post 7 Communities Swachh Bharat Mission Gives No Shit About appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

The concept of independent women is something that our society still finds hard to accept. I was born and raised in Mumbai – the city of dreams. In my family, both my brother and I were treated equally. When I say equally, it means that it was okay for me to earn and for my brother to learn how to cook. In our house, opinions were never imposed on us, we had the freedom to make choices and mistakes. We also had the support to learn from our mistakes.

But well, our society is really funny. If you talk too much, they call you a chatter box and if you share information, they call you a gossip queen. If you complain about anything, they’ll call you a nagging hag. But if you keep quiet and mind your own business, you’re too proud.

So I decided to compile a list of ways that could make you a bigdi hui ladki (a spoilt/bad girl)

1. If You Work Late Night

2. If You Have An Opinion

3. If You Do Not Wear Indian Clothes

4. If  You Don’t Wear The ‘Symbols Of Marriage’

5. If You Talk To Men

6. If You Have The Courage To Say ‘No’

7. If You Choose Your Career Over Marriage

8. If You Want To Be Financially Independent

9. If You Want To Ride A Bike

10. If You Ever Want A Divorce

11. If You Say No To Dowry

12. If You Don’t Change Your Last Name After Getting Married

13. If You Get A Promotion Because Of Your Skills

14. If You Ask For Your Rights

15. If You Express Your Fears

16. If You Go Out For A Movie With Your Friends

17. If You Express Your Love

18. If You Refuse To Bear Pain

The list can be endless.

In the end, all I can say is that our society is prejudiced and will always looked at you with judgmental eyes. They will label you as a bigdi hui ladki no matter what, so just enjoy your lives!

The post 18 Ways To Be A ‘Bigdi Hui Ladki’ In Society’s Eyes appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

Having an elder brother has many perks. One of them is that you get to be friends with his friends. As a child, I would feel privileged to be a part of my brother’s so-called ‘cool gang’. I would often tag along with him and his friends for outings or manage to hike a free ride to a friend’s place.

Growing up in a small town in West Bengal, I had to tread lightly. Everybody knew everybody and slander and scandals were discussed across rooftops and over innumerable cups of chaat para’r addas (rooftop meets). Thankfully, I was raised in an environment where there weren’t too many wagging tongues, or random people offering advice to my parents on how best to ‘school’ me into abiding the unsaid rules of social purdah, during my teenage years.

Life went on at its usual pace till I opened an account on Facebook. I still remember that eventful day when Aunt X and Aunt Z decided to ‘tutor’ me on the disadvantages of uploading photos with boys on a social-networking site. Such a short-sighted decision could apparently deal a fatal blow to my ‘clean’ image in real life. It took me some time to process these thoughts and put my argument forward.

I felt that the so-called ‘scandalous’ photo, a supposed blot on my ‘purity’, was nowhere deserving of the attention that it unwantedly received. It was an innocuous enough picture–a group of young boys and girls enjoying good music at a cafe.

I presented my argument politely and coherently in front of Aunt X and Aunt Z. The boys in the photograph were my close friends, and the number of pictures I would post with them would only increase over the years.

But to allay their ridiculous fears, I deleted the post and for a while stuck to uploading pictures with my girlfriends, partying. Interestingly, Aunt X and Aunt Z were perfectly comfortable with an all-girl crowd partying. In fact, they would often be the first ones to comment on how pretty we looked.

It took me a month to see through their hypocrisy and to shift-delete their dumb advice.

And so, every passing photo of me with a boy generated comments like, “Why can’t you have more girlfriends?” Ominous messages waited for me in my inbox: “You will have trouble getting married.” They would often be accompanied by outrageous claims, “This is how you are misusing your freedom.” Trust me, it only got worse over the years: a relentless cawing of the self-appointed guardians of sanskar.

If having male friends qualifies me as a ‘bigdi hui ladki‘, then yes, I am one – happily and proudly so. The dictionary simply defines a friend as ‘a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection’. No specifications of gender are mentioned. But then again, here we are, in 21st century India, still reeling under the scorching stares of Aunts X and Z, from behind parted curtains, doors half-open, windows half-closed, and the glorious promise of gossip that stalking us on social media would provide.

Among the many barbed-wire rules of growing up as a girl in this country, the most ridiculous one is surely this: abstaining from interactions with the other sex till a flimsy piece of paper declares us as the rightful property of one!

I shake my head in disappointment and outrage. Surely someday, such people will see the light of reason. Meanwhile, I won’t stop roaming around with my brother and his friends. Cheers to all of them and to the day when words and phrases like ‘asabhya‘ (uncivilised) and ‘bigdi hui ladki‘ would be relegated to the dust heap where they actually belong, to be wiped out of immature, bored minds.

The post Why Be Happy When You Could Be Sanskari? appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

“Don’t you think we have come a little too far to ask this?” I replied in a reassuring voice.

So there we were, heading to the court without the slightest clue of what our life would be like from that point on. I knew I was risking everything I had. Marriage is always a gamble, and in our case, the stakes were much higher. That was one of the rare moments when I was not filling time with words. Hardly did we speak in the car, and an hour’s worth of travel brought us to the court.

In the intense one hour, I remembered the last eight years of our togetherness. Everyone told me that my relationship with this man wouldn’t work. After all, we came from two extreme religions.

“It won’t work, Saumya. You will regret it later, and then there will be no turning back.”

“He is a man. It’s easier for him to move on. What about you? It will never be easy for a woman”

“You are trying to achieve the unusual. It may look good but it’s not practical.”

My response to the society who questioned me for several years before I tied the knot – “Yes. It is unusual. It does not fit in the conventional sense this world perceives women, but I hate perceptions. I feel this is right for me. You believe in experience, I believe in an experiment. If it did not work for some, does not mean it won’t work for anyone.”

I tried convincing them and when I got tired, I went ahead and took the decision, which got me to the day of December 5, 2009.

We’d reached the court and had to wait for our turn. In order to kill time and hunger, we ordered ₹25/plate of chole-bhature and mineral water. We looked like the same silly people that we were when we met at 17 and 18. We had no clue back then, about what we’re getting into.

I could sense his scepticism, so I brushed my insecurities aside before I answered his unspoken thoughts.

Just before entering the court, I held his hand and said, “After marrying you, I might regret the decision, and they may be right about us. But we have to give us a try, and then accept the answer as ours.”

We looked deep into each other’s eyes and went ahead with no looking back. The papers were signed and I enthusiastically embraced the decision as it was mine!

In life, there comes a day, when you display courage even when you didn’t know it existed. My time was exactly seven and a half years ago. Today, we have a daughter and call her Mysha.

Did hardships come across our way post marriage? Yes. But we dealt with them with pride. It was our decision.

I was writing my life individually, and then I scribbled my life into his. And, this is my biggest story.

The post To Everyone Who Told Me That An Inter-Religion Marriage Wouldn’t Work appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

There are about 11,000 children in street situations in Lucknow – 29% of them being girls. Few of them are ever heard when it comes to making laws for their care and protection or the enforcement of those laws. It is always the adults who decide what happens to them.

When Aradhana* and Mehek* realised what the street does to children in the city, they decided to change this. For them, winning their personal battles wasn’t enough. They have their own ideas about what children, especially girls in street situations, need – and they aren’t afraid to voice their opinions.

I

Unfortunately, this has come at a price. Mehek (16) was only two when her stepfather sent her to a children’s home without her mother’s knowledge. She says she doesn’t know what the condition at the shelter is now, but it didn’t feel safe back then. “The older girls there – they didn’t behave properly. The ma’am there also didn’t supervise what the children were doing,” she says.

Her mother brought her back from the shelter, but when she turned ten, Mehek’s father sold her off to distant relatives to work as a domestic worker. The relatives made her work from dawn to dusk – giving her barely four to five hours of sleep and no time to study or play. The calls she made to her mother were supervised, and the only way she could communicate her distress, she remembered, was by weeping on the phone.

“When I wrote down her phone number on my hand to call her later, they beat me up and erased the number. Almost the entire family got together to erase the number,” she explains.

Sensing trouble, her mother brought her back home, but home had another set of ordeals in store. Her father sexually abused her, assaulted her, and tried to rape her. Unable to bear this, she tried to get an FIR filed at a local police station, only to be rebuked. Fortunately, Childline learnt about her case and helped her file the case. Her father was convicted and sent to jail three years later.

Sexual harassment isn’t uncommon if you are a child in street situation. A Save the Children census of five cities found that around 6% of such children faced sexual abuse at least once in their lives.

An aide of a local goon operating in the slum colony in Lucknow where Aradhana (16) lives attempted to rape her when she was 14. She continues to go to court. “Even today when I go out, the guy threatens me with rape. He says, ‘When you are going to college, or if I find you alone, I will abduct you, I will get you raped, I will get you murdered’,” she told YKA.

II

It was after the men in her family sexually abused her that Aradhana decided that she must do something for the women in her locality. With the help of a local social worker who taught young girls in the area, she became a founder-member of an NGO called Red Brigade, training herself first in self-defence, and then those around her. “We thought we must do something different for the girls. So that we are safe,” Aradhana told YKA.

While she is enrolled in a higher secondary course, most of the children she trains live or work on the street and don’t have access to education. She wants the government to change this. “All children should be able to study. And they should provide housing for those who live on the street,” she demands.

Mehek, who was moved by the help she got from Childline and now volunteers with them to spread awareness in schools about sexual abuse, echoes this. “Safety and education is very important for girls. When girls study, they feel empowered,” she says.

Mehek also participates in Childline’s programmes in Lucknow to raise awareness about rights of children in street situations as well as make demands from the government. “We told the governor that the girls on the street aren’t safe there. Even today, they are not able to study. They also need safety to be able to study,” Mehek told YKA.

Both children think that the police sometimes become a hurdle in ensuring safety. They narrate their own experience as an example.

“The police talked to me as if I was the person who had committed a crime. They talk in a manner that even if women want to ask for help, they won’t – because of their behaviour,” Mehek says.

On the other hand, Aradhana alleges that the police tried to delay registering her complaint because the accused had already alerted them that she would be going there. “When I went with my application, they started saying, ‘We don’t have a female constable right now. How do we take the application? How can I ask questions?’ I asked them to call the constable. ‘She is on duty here, there,’ they started making excuses,” she told YKA.

III

A huge number of children in street situations in Lucknow face the problems that Aradhana and Mehek faced – and perhaps never get rehabilitated.

Through their resolve and assistance from authorities, the two girls are fortunately on the path to a fulfilling life. While Aradhana is enrolled in a higher secondary school, Mehek has recently matriculated from secondary school, despite facing difficulties due to interruptions in schooling.

When she grows up, Aradhana says she wants to continue training women in self-defence. “So that when they go out, they must feel strong enough to confront people who say anything. They must feel strong inside,” she says.

“When I see the women at Childline talking, I feel very good,” Mehek says. When asked about her future plans, she adds, “So I too want to become like them. I want to help them and I want to do a course in hotel management.”

The children’s resolve is evident in the way they negotiate the complexity of the world around them – between the laws that protect them and the realities they experience every day. The judge hearing Aradhana’s case warned the accused against threatening, but the threats continued. “So, I told him,” Aradhana says, “If you so much as touch me, or if you get me abducted, then you will of course serve time in jail, but you will also not return home. Just try me.”

*Names changed

_

Featured images used for representative purposes only.

Featured image source: Mark Kolbe/Getty Images

The post How 2 Lucknow Teens Are Fighting Sexual Abuse And Police Threats appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

As I write this piece, it’s around 1:30 am and I’ve just gotten back home from a fun dinner with old friends. A male friend dropped me home to the horror of every person who saw us. The walk from the car to the lift and till my apartment door is a reminder of how ‘bigdi hui’ I am. Every person I met on the way greeted me with stares and impolite questions about my whereabouts, with some peppering of sage advice, on how I must avoid being seen with boys at this hour.

This five-minute span is a pretty constant representative reel of my life or that of so many other young women I know. Vandita does something, in 99/100 cases, Vandita is being a ‘bigdi hui young Indian girl’ who doesn’t appreciate the freedom ‘given’ to her (Yes, Vandita also speaks of herself in the third person sometimes, you must try it!). Simple, everyday acts of just being sometimes lead us to being labelled as ‘bigdi hui’.

For women, such labelling starts way earlier, and there is also a certain negativity around defying societal conventions that bring the tagged labels with them. Whereas for men, many times, it is tolerated, humoured or seen as a rite of passage. Unfortunately, with women, it is almost always seen as besmirching the honour and name of one’s family and every ancestor who may have had the misfortune of sharing your bloodline.

Let me tell you of one such bigdi hui ladki, me.

I was a little school girl who wanted to believe that I could create change, my leadership was termed as bossy and this was the first time I was termed as bigdi hui for asserting myself. This repeated again and again, in various settings, till that label stuck. I was the ‘bigdi hui cousin’ at family dinners and the person the more ‘innocent’ ones were asked to stay away from. Why? I wanted to have the freedom that male members of my joint family enjoyed. I wanted to wear the clothes that made me happy. I wanted to be seen as a person beyond my body type. I refused to get married at 21. I refuse to have children at all. I can outdrink most people on a good night, and truly, on a bad night too. I date people I want to date. I am ambitious. Oh and I’m also a woman, so double whammy.

So where does this leave us? You are bigdi hui if you decide to wear clothes that show the amount of skin you are comfortable showing. No, no fair. Didn’t you know strangers get to decide how much of your skin you must show?

You are bigdi hui if you assert yourself at your workplace and decide to not take the sexist, misogynist behaviour constantly directed at you, be it sexually coloured remarks, having someone else take credit for your ideas or just constantly be interrupted by men. Did you not know that it is a favour men do by allowing women to be in the workplace at all?

You are bigdi hui if you’re 40, female and single, with or without a sexual partner or any sexual history at all. Why now? Because you haven’t given in to your role as a woman on this planet – that being one of child rearing while married to a man (other sexual preferences not allowed).

You are bigdi hui if you decide that sex with your partner is fun and have lots of it, without any contractual relations with them. Did you not know that it isn’t you but your neighbours who decide your sex life? Otherwise, you may be in danger of being termed… bigdi hui (seriously though, what did you think would follow?)

Refusing to marry or have children is seen as being bigdi hui. Wanting to live a full, sexually liberated life without marriage is seen as being bigdi hui. Refusing sex with the man you may be married to is seen as being bigdi hui. Asserting yourself at your educational institute or professional workplace is seen as being bigdi hui. Having a thought, an opinion, a voice, is seen as being bigdi hui. For women, wanting to be treated as equally human is seen as being bigdi hui.

How do you change this? You change this by being the best damn version of yourself. The version that you like. The version that is kind and compassionate because nothing else matters. You also change this when you refuse to think of someone else as bigdi hui, when you stop your parents, that uncle (we all have that one) or any person from labelling someone else for their life choices. Bearing testimony to the words of someone else without saying anything is just as much an offence as speaking those words yourself.

Go ahead, be a little bigdi hui, it’s a lot of fun, I promise.

Note: A lot of this is satire or just venting, please understand the irony or ask me to explain it.

The post There’s Only One Way To Not Be Called A ‘Bigdi Hui Ladki’ appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

Note: I am going to write ” ze” instead of he or she. Ze is the unisex word for s(he) or he/she.

Dear Ze’s everywhere,

It pissed me off that you think that you can talk to me like you do. That you can just show up to me saying “I will fuck you” sitting at ease behind you laptop. Every time I say “Stop, shut up,” you decide to pester me 923 times more.

Why do you think that this little juvenile stunt should be very ordinary? That I should gulp it like water. You want me to ignore it and move past it right? But do you see, talking like that to anyone even after getting warned about is classed online sexual harassment and that sort of shit should not be ignored?

I realised it, sitting at my desk, reading texts that I’ll never accept and wouldn’t want to forgive. According to you, I liked it. I LIKED IT? Again, I don’t have any words for these feelings.

Sometimes I think that if I hadn’t met you, then this never would’ve happened. It has distorted me, damaged me. I technically could not prove ‘every time’ that it was unwanted. It literally broke me. My respect for self. The harassment had been so clear, but instead, I will be asked,“Do you remember silencing it?”

I don’t sleep when I think about the way it had been. Why did I control myself? For a friend like that? That’s what you’ll never have a good answer for.

Ze has done irreversible damage to me. I tried stepping out of the comfort zone just to get exploited. I just don’t even know what I am gonna say to him anymore. I wish for everyone’s good but I am sure you already know, how shitty you made me feel. I know, you don’t care, but I am almost positive you don’t care because you are such a selfish person. One of the most selfish people I have ever met in my entire life.

If I could meet my 20-year-old self and pause time, I would ensure not slipping my dignity or a strand of me in your court, thinking of you as a friend. You don’t even understand what a “NO” means. Mercy on you because you didn’t have the guts to be a soul to me, and I wish that I didn’t in that moment care about you, your health, your career, your happiness and your pretty laugh. I never cried but that didn’t mean I wasn’t hurt. I wish I would have continued to fight and I wish I would name you all over the internet and the news so that you could feel half as shitty as I did.

It had been almost a year and I have grown so much as a person. I am able to influence and lift others up, encourage them that helps me almost not be mad at you. This is me, me forgiving you. This is not me saying that what you did is okay, but this is saying that I am not gonna let it control me anymore.

I don’t need to care about you and your connections with me. You can’t victimise me anymore. You hurt me tremendously, I can’t even tell you how much. I am only gonna put my energy out into the world and I’m only gonna nurture people, help them, love them unlike you. Unlike what you did with me when you went around destroying the pretty cosmic relationship we had.

You can’t hold me down like that. And you can’t steal anything from me anymore.

I am taking back my innocence, my happiness and my stability which I shared with you once upon a time. The entire world, it’s mine to keep. I am back to my place.Thank you for the experiment.

Yes, so I forgive you. I’ll never forget but I forgive you, not for you but for me so I don’t know, have a nice life.

The post Dear Online Abuser, I’m Taking Back My Innocence appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

I am a Punjabi woman married to a Telugu man.

(Do I hear you say, “So what, intercaste marriages are so common!”)

Well, mine was an arranged marriage.

(Your interest has perked up now, hasn’t it? )

In fact, it was so seriously arranged, that my Dad found my husband for me! So how does an arranged marriage of a Punjabi girl and a Telugu boy happen, you wonder?

It was facilitated through a matrimonial agency. Yes, stranger things are known to have happened, but for now, we shall speak about the one that happened to us.

Get her married!

My parents were concerned, as despite crossing the Indian ‘marriageable age’ I was showing no intention of ‘settling down’. No, I wasn’t a wild child, but just someone who was waiting for the right guy to come along. How would I know when that someone was the ‘right guy’? I knew I just would.

The more patient I grew, the more impatient my parents got. Until unknown to me, my father registered me on a personalised marriage bureau.

Of course, I threw a fit when they told me. Dramatic dialogues were exchanged, tears were shed and anger was displayed. After the drama ended, a list of profiles was calmly handed to me and I realised that my father meant business!

The first profile I saw was of a man with an unpronounceable surname (the agency had misspelt it). “I like him,” was what my father said, as he pointed to the profile.

Oh sure, I’ll meet him

I didn’t say a word, but I was grumbling away in my mind. Dad asked me to meet him. I pretend to agree enthusiastically and forgot all about it. Dad reminded me once more, and I once more displayed more fake enthusiasm.

In the meantime, Srikrishna (the profile in question) called me up one afternoon and the first thing he said was, “I am looking for a South Indian girl.”

Well, “I am definitely not a South Indian!” is what I started with, with a hope that my words were loaded with the appropriate amount of sarcasm.“What a crazy guy,” I thought to myself, but we had a conversation where he spoke about himself and asked me about me.

The call ended and memory was wiped clean. Until Dad asked for a report. Dad wasn’t going to let go so easily, it seemed.

More calls followed and Srikrishna and I decided to meet for coffee. “Just to ward off Dad,” I told myself. We met over coffee, had an interesting conversation and went our ways, with no communication afterwards.

It’s just so comfortable

No dramatic bells or whistles or epiphanies, but just the fact that I felt comfortable with him was what spurred me on to initiate the second meeting. The second meeting was followed by a third, which was followed by a fourth meeting. We talked away like long lost pals and realised that though we were very different from each other, there were many similarities as well. That and the comfort factor.

We first met in July 2010, we met for the second time in August. We got engaged in the first week of September and in November last year, we celebrated 6 years of me carrying that unpronounceable surname next to my name.

The funniest part? I’m mistaken to be the ‘south Indian’ and the husband is mistaken for a ‘north Indian’ as far as our looks are concerned!

This article was first written by Mayuri Nadigallu for Bonobology.com.

The post Move Over Chetan Bhagat, Our ‘Two States’ Is Much Better Than Yours appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

As a 25-year old unmarried woman, the amount of unsolicited advice that I receive about my ‘dying ovaries’ is bizarre and amusing. This amusement takes a backseat when you realise that the ‘golden advice’ comes from a the deep-seeded view – women can only exist as ‘mothers’ and ‘wives’. Anything that may remotely enlighten you about your right and autonomy over your body is ALWAYS shushed! The result? Instead of knowing about your rights over your own body, you have a whole lot of stigma that clouds your access to your rights. What makes it worse is that irrespective of whether you’re married or in a relationship, your sexual and reproductive health is everyone’s agenda, but yours.

Addressing this inaccess to information, CREA and Global Health Strategies ran a week long campaign (from 22nd to 29th September) on YKA, sharing some crucial information abortion as a reproductive health right. It led to some important conversation being generated around September 28, Global Day of Action for Access to Safe and Legal Abortion. The campaign highlighted 5 critical things that every person must know (but is not told) to not only demand their right, but also fight the stigma associated with women’s reproductive health and right. All the below infographics are sourced from CREA.

1. You have to petition a court if you need an abortion above the limit of 20 weeks.

Yup, this is true even in cases of rape, incest, and prenatal screenings that show anomalies of the foetus after 20 weeks. In India, a lot of survivors of sexual assault don’t come forward due to the intense shame and stigma. This is one of the prime reasons many women have been petitioning to increase the legal limit to 24 weeks. It’s a shame that thousands have to suffer because the court tells them what’s right to do with their body, and what isn’t. But recent judgements show a brighter future.

2. More than half of the abortions that take place in India are unsafe

When it comes to abortion statistics, it’s a shocking picture. We are never told about the safety precautions we need to take and the questions we have the right to ask doctors. Even though abortion is a crucial reproductive health right, how many of these stats make national news?

3. Women above 18 years of age do not require their partner’s consent to get an abortion.

“But how could you just go ahead and do it?” is a question many women are asked. However, no one talks about how, for adult women, the law protects our right to our body and what we choose. This useful infographic has more on grounds to seek an abortion, and the requirements needed to provide an abortion.

4. A severe gynaec and provider shortage is limiting access to safe abortion

In 2010, the government developed the Training and Service Delivery Guidelines for Comprehensive Abortion Care. But due to obsolete methods and severe shortage in providers, many women suffer when it comes to seeking safe abortions. From counselling to the post-abortion stages, women need support at every stage. If we don’t have enough trained professionals, how can we ensure every woman gets access to this right without hindrance?

5. In the last 9 months alone, 11 cases have gone to court regarding abortion after 20 weeks

These cases prove that the conversation around increasing the legal limit to seek an abortion must be amplified. Like the SC said in July 2017, “A woman has the sacrosanct right to her bodily integrity and it is her choice.” 

Share this crucial information ahead using #AbortTheStigma. And if you have a story around why the silence around abortion must be broken, YKA is your safe space to speak up. Publish here today. 

The post 5 Things About Abortion That No One Tells Young Women Like Me In India appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

A couple of years ago, I quit a corporate internship that was everything the society considered perfect- a huge brand-name in the industry, decent pay, and security. My job as an auditor in a big-four accounting firm was considered very ‘respectable’ for a modern-day woman looking to build a career.

The lifestyle demanded by the corporate culture did not agree with me. Late nights, nasty politics, and understaffed teams were routine. I found the work boring and uninspiring. The team I worked with had dramatically traditional lifestyles as compared to mine. Even with the training I received in culture management, I was unable to fit in. A final unsavory incident was the tipping point and I decided to quit.

I did not stop there. Needing to catch a break from the surrounding pressure, I decided to travel. With limited funds at my disposal, I looked for cheaper, alternative travel options and came across World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms (WWOOF).

Before I knew it, I, a privileged girl who has never gotten her hands dirty, was on a plane to the other side of the world to volunteer on the blueberry farm of a stranger.

To think that this chain of events did not draw backlash would be naïve. People seemed to be largely affected by my decisions.

My manager at work bluntly stated:

“You want to be a journalist? It involves working hard every day outside in the sun like a man. You can’t even work in the air-conditioning here.”

“You’re a girl so you can get married if you want to. But you’re failing your parents by not fulfilling their dreams.”

“There is no growth outside this firm, you’re letting go of a golden opportunity.”

“You have to learn to give up on your personal life for your professional life.”

Intruding acquaintances didn’t spare an opportunity either:

“What will you do now? Who will employ you?”

“You’ll have to marry rich now, if you want to maintain this standard of living”

“You’ve to learn to compromise and deal with bullshit. You need these organizations more than they need you”

The judgement became worse when they found out that I was traveling solo to the other side of the world to put in “demeaning” physical labor on land owned by a white person.

“It’s not safe to go alone. Can’t a friend come with you?”

“Why do you want to do dirty work on a farm? There will be so many insects”

At this time, when I was already scared and unsure about my decisions, these responses only brought down my self-esteem.

The only unfailing support I received throughout this ordeal was from my parents and that’s where my courage to fight on stemmed from.

These decisions – to quit and travel – changed my life. The people I met, and the skills and experiences I’ve gained are unmatched. I learnt to look at life from a different perspective and to take a non-judgmental approach towards everyone and everything. My choices couldn’t have been righter.

The same people are now in awe of my new skills and stories. I, labelled the ‘bigdi hui ladki’, am now an example. It’s important that we fight these labels. After all, it is only those crazy ones who step off the beaten path, who have the ability to change the world.

We need to create a conducive, judgment-free environment for them to do so. If we want to evolve as a society, we must learn to let go of these stereotypes. It is only when people are given the opportunity to explore their individuality that we can make progress.

The post The Sexist Reactions I Received After I Quit My Corporate Job appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

Substance use and addiction can affect anyone, anytime, for any number of reasons. Addiction is also a mental health issue, but given the lack of understanding around mental health itself, addiction remains a rather stigmatised issue.

While addiction can affect all genders, the vulnerability varies with the gender – the horrors are worse for India’s women addicts. Some time ago I was assigned to support a study to map the violence faced by female drug users in a city in Western India.

During the study, I met many women drug users who are attached to the national HIV program’s harm reduction units for needle-syringe exchange and a few ex-drug users who are currently on the oral substitution therapy (OST).

Meeting and interacting with them was a critical lesson in understanding how patriarchy permeates every aspect of our lives and even impact health issues.

I come from a society where ‘good women’ do not smoke or drink, but men can be alcoholics and smokers; something that I never really understood until I was confronted with the hypocrisy behind it. In reality, women are equally susceptible to substance use and addiction, but the burden of carrying family and societal honour rests on them which made it a taboo for them.

Therefore women resorted to indulging in their vices in the secrecy of their upper or middle-class homes and issues of substance use and addiction among them, remain neglected and invisible. Working class and lower caste women who often smoked and drank openly were viewed contemptuously through the prejudiced lens of class and caste hierarchy combined with patriarchy that anyway regarded women as lesser beings.

A change in attitude towards upper and middle-class women smoking and drinking was ushered in by the women’s movement, and a woman with a cigarette or a drink became a symbol of challenging and defying patriarchy and claiming her liberty.

This age-old and done with allegory was most recently used in the last scene of the movie, ‘Lipstick Under My Burkha’, and the use of the trope in the film remains highly debated. Even today women who smoked, drank, used other substances and may have addiction issues, remain trapped between the ideas of being modern, liberated, feminist and ‘bigdi hui’ – categories that often blurred and merged with each other.

They are regarded as doomed, losers, fallen and deserving no support or sympathy, a terrible perception that ignores the mental health aspect of addiction.

Men Can Flaunt Their Vices But Women ‘Should Not’

Our society allows men to flaunt some of the socially accepted addictions (the brand of drink or the smoke of choice, the paraphernalia involved, are all matters of bragging). In fact, men can even get away with the harder drugs on sympathy grounds.

However, women do not get away as easily; they are usually labelled and stigmatised as a ‘characterless, immoral and loose’. A woman drinking or taking any substance is apparently inviting the other sex to engage in casual and often non-consensual sex with her. While a man drinking is a jolly good fellow having a jolly good time or immersing his tensions and sorrows quite like our romantic, tragic icon Devdas.

This biased view of drinking and substance use is well documented in various cases where a sexual assault on women has been justified on the ground that she was drunk at that time, or had had a few drinks and therefore invited the situation upon herself.

The most recent example where the court blurred the distinctions between consent and violation and acquitted the accused because the woman was drinking with him, is particularly alarming and regressive – ‘A feeble no may mean yes.’

The social stigma around women using a substance is magnified by popular culture that unabashedly promotes the idea that women serve, both liquor and themselves and men enjoy being served, both liquor and women.

The Oktoberfest is an example this idea – Women are frequently sexually harassed at large festivals including the Oktoberfest in Munich and the Carnival in Cologne. In the popular television satire Simpsons, it’s never Marge – the wife and home-maker who gets to step out for a drink or two, but her husband Homer Simpson who goes to the neighbourhood bar for a few drinks.

Although it might have been pointing out the sexism rampant in the American society, including the show itself – Female Simpsons writer reveals she was ousted because showrunner wanted all-male writers room.

Therefore, popular culture corroborates the idea that men enjoy their vices and even serve as props to emphasise their masculinity. Remember the Marlboro man and closer home, jab mil beithe teen yaar (three friends and a drink), or Sherlock’s pipe and Feluda’s Charminar?

These portrayals are unlike the women whose vices make them either vamps or femme fatale or fallen like Priyanka Chopra’s character in Fashion or deranged like Kangana’s character in the same film or doomed like Meenakumari in Sahib, Bibi aur Gulam. Suggesting that men are incomplete without their vices while women are vile if they have vices!

Women Addicts Have An Extremely Hard Time

During my interaction with women who used hard drugs, I learnt a lot about their difficult and complex experiences. The apathy they faced as a woman is extreme, they are less likely to be supported by their family. Their addiction is usually not tolerated, and all these factors increased the likelihood of isolation and destitution.

Also in many cases, the male partners introduced them to drugs, yet women are more likely to be blamed for the couple’s addiction issues and barred from accessing treatment, lest it brings shame to the family. In one of the cases, we came across a situation where the mother-in-law refused to allow the counsellor and outreach worker to meet the daughter-in-law or enable her to access treatment and counselling. However, she did not stop her son from getting help for his addiction.

Such was the stigma of being a female junkie that most women we met were mostly without social support, abandoned by family and had lost contact with their children, were dependant on abusive partners and often homeless. Even if there were shelter homes for women, they refused to take in those who used drugs or were on OST because of the stigma attached.

The way the country’s public health programs are designed are not surprisingly sexist and ignore the needs of female drug users. The harm reduction programs are progressive, efficient and crucial, they reduce the risk of injecting drugs, enable to quit or wean off.

Yet, they do not recognise the special needs of women drug users, resulting in a situation where men benefit from these programs while women continue to fall out of the safety net. Women deal with their addiction without any help or support, living with increased vulnerability to violence and sexual assaults, and ultimately untimely deaths that could have been easily prevented with a little sensitivity.

If only we could envision and implement harm reduction programs that responded to the specific needs of women, the increased level of the stigma they face and the vulnerabilities due to their sexual and reproductive health needs. If these programs also included specific services that benefited them, such as, services related to their sexual and reproductive health and rights.

Moreover, harm reductions units are spaces that are dominated by men, implying that there is an impending need to create and provide a safe space for women where they feel comfortable. Only a holistic approach can improve access to harm reduction services among women drug users.

It will certainly be more effective over the current piecemeal solutions designed to cater to men’s needs and therefore ignores the hundreds of issues that women face and their lived experiences.

But The Change Comes From Within

To conclude, while it is important to highlight the gap in the public health programs, it is also crucial to call out our double standards when it comes to substance use, addiction and gender.

While we push for changes in the system, we have a lot of changes to make ourselves, especially, when it comes to how we perceive a woman who uses substance or have addiction issues.

We have to remind ourselves at all times that her vices do not reveal her character or personality, it certainly does not give the right to assault or abuse her and definitely to not use her addiction and vices as a justification for violating her human rights.

After all, substance use may be circumstantial, and addiction is a mental health issue, and people who do get into them deserve empathy and support irrespective of their gender.

The harm reduction programs will have to rethink its design if it wants to bring in women in its folds or until then women with addiction will remain invisible. However, until that time comes, it is upon each one of us to change our perspectives of a woman using substance or with addictions and treat it as a mental health issue that it is, neither glamorous nor shameful, without stigma, judgments and labels.

The post A Woman With A Drug Addiction Deserves Help, Not A ‘Bigdi Hui’ Tag appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

Growing up in India, we’ve all perhaps known or met at least one Sweety Arora in our lives. Typically, this person is someone who is confounded by the very idea that young people ‘these days’ make their decisions themselves, prefer to make their own choices and freely speak their minds. And they waste no time in labelling us as ‘Bigda hua ladkas/ ladkis’.

For me, it was my mother’s friend. I still remember the day I tried convincing her that I wasn’t interested in getting married unless I felt ready to get married. I rationalised and substantiated my decision, saying I needed to work and build my career in the best possible way – and for a week the topic of conversation was “Girls these days are way too independent, they think they know everything about life.” What’s wrong with that, I ask myself? My response was to blatantly ignore her. It’s been a couple of years since this happened, but the injustice still rankles.

That the society of the world’s youngest country is still uncomfortable with girls making independent decisions is frankly, a bit ridiculous – as is the desperate attempt to grab for control in the guise of experience. And the irony of a Sweety Arora making a selfie video, commenting on the fact that her daughter shouldn’t do something hatke isn’t lost on me – because such societal stereotypes are full of the same kind of hypocrisy! And this needs to change.

Have you ever met or been labelled #BHL by a Sweety Arora in your life? Tell us how you tackled it! Share your story on Youth Ki Awaaz and follow #BHL, our campaign with BBC Media, developed in partnership with UNICEF India.

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Be alert!

Almost all human societies in the world today are found to be suffering from the “Good boy-Good girl syndrome”.

Check … You might be one of the victims or even a carrier for your next generation! Or you may secretly wish this syndrome! You may find yourself surrounded by the infected crowd!

Disease transmission

The virus infects at a very early age, through vectors like elders, teachers, media and society. Conditional love, appreciative strokes and material rewards get the virus literally into your nerves. For example – can you recall, anything on similar lines?

                “If you don’t throw tantrums in public, you will get two chocolates instead one”.

                “Good boys don’t cry”

                “Beta, mummy will love you more if you never bunk the school”

                “Who are teacher’s favourite students? Those who keep quiet in class”

                “Our Raju is so intelligent that he finishes his plate every day.” and so on.

Good boys and good girls ‘always’ behave well or try to behave well. The word ‘always’ is highlighted here because this syndrome is characterised by patterned actions. The syndrome does not support flexibility at all.

Symptoms

• Elders are nothing but, ‘the god’ for good boys and good girls. Elders cannot be questioned even if they behave weirdly sometimes. Disagreement and/or argument with elders is a sin.
• Good boys and good girls always study hard because they feel, that the grade in an exam is the best judgement of their worth. They start feeling guilty if they don’t study once a while or get lesser marks than their peers.
• Extra-curricular activities like sports and arts are allowed as ‘side-by-side’ hobbies but never as a career.
• Apart from studies, they always provide excellent help in household work.
• They present themselves well in front of all guests and relatives.
• Good boys-good girls maintain maximum stiff body and least expressive face.
• In youth and adulthood, the syndrome manifests itself in multiple forms like “Good son/daughter”, “Good spouse”, “Good sibling”, “Good son-in-law/daughter-in-law”, “Good employee”, “Good citizen” etc.
• In childhood, the immune system tries to resist but in adulthood, immunity is extremely weak.
• Good boys-good girls blindly follow parent’s choices of “stable + reputed + least risky option” as a career and “best fitting another good boy-good girl sample” as a spouse.
• They successfully manage their “bread-winner” and “home-maker” roles without complaining.
• Investments, fame, bank-balance, foreign trips – all are criteria for syndrome’s good persistence.
• Good boys-good girls don’t drink alcohol or smoke. Even if they do it occasionally, it’s not permitted in presence of elders.
• Expression of sexual desires in any form is also totally the secret matter.
• They are allowed to be socially conscious but to a limited extent, not at the cost of their breadwinning and home-making.
• They can do limited charity but not the revolution.
• They follow parents and majority’s ideologies about politics, religion, caste, gender and sexual identity etc.
• Good boys-good girls are ever ready to help others. They never make mistakes, if they do a mistake by chance, guilt kills them.
• They always think and talk in a logical way. Being illogical is not accepted.
• They live in an organised way. Being unorganised is not accepted.
• They never cry even if they feel shattered inside. They face challenges with a smiling face even if their heart is full of fear sometimes. They never get angry. Abusive language is not in their dictionary. They neither burp in public nor yawn in classrooms. They don’t get tired.
• They are allowed to express happiness but only to a certain extent. Jumping, loud laughter and shouting might destroy the honour of “good boy/ good girl”.
• They are committed to building at least one more generation of good boy/good girl.

Diagnosis & treatment

• The diagnosis of this syndrome is difficult because patients or caregivers rarely realize and/or accept their symptoms. The so-called “invisibility” of the syndrome has made it to persist in our societies for generations.
• Scientists have found that “self-remedy” is the only treatment. Observing ourselves every movement and breaking “patterns” of thoughts, feelings and actions is possible.
• However, treatment can be only started if one accepts symptoms and diagnosis.
• Children can be immunized with the “flexibility vaccine” but again, acceptance of syndrome in the family is crucial.

It is being thought to include “Eradication of good boy-good girl syndrome” as one of the “Sustainable development goals” (SDGs).

We condemn rigid-compulsive labels of “good and bad” for human beings. We hope for healthy future of our healthy societies!

Acknowledgement: I am grateful to Mr Sathish Selvakumar for his valuable help as well as all my beloved co-counsellors for helping me to develop my understanding.

The post Are You Suffering From The “Good Boy-Good Girl” Syndrome? appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

I have been walking in a society where most people are counterfeit and mechanical. People are running from morning to night, but for what, I don’t understand.We all are living in a world which is full of diverse opinions, endless numbers of perspective and a lot of ‘societal people’.

These ‘societal people’ always seem to tell you how you and your thoughts are anti-social and not suitable for a ‘developed society’. Though these people say that society is liberal and that it gives equal rights and opportunities to all people irrespective of sex, caste, religion and so on – I don’t feel so.

Being a small town girl, many rules and regulations have been imposed on me by society. I was never too good at mathematics and science. However, most people around me believe that there is no other career apart from becoming a doctor or an engineer, or maybe a banker. These are the so-called secure jobs for girls. The way people think is shocking!

I chose literature and languages – I chose a pen for myself. I wanted to nurture myself as an influential writer, thus, chose my hobby as my profession. I have never understood the connotations of what it means to be society’s ‘ideal’ woman.

I left home with my cousin’s help to pursue my dreams. My ‘well-wishers’ did not contact me, but I knew that my family would understand. And, they did.

Society called me a dreadful woman who doesn’t know how to value others. If they’re saying that because I chose my own career, then yes, I am an awful woman. I am not appropriate for society. I don’t earn as much money, but I do have my job satisfaction. I’m not saying that money is not important, but living my dreams is more important to me.

You will face people who judge you quite often in society. But it’s on you to choose the right path for yourself. You have to be the writer of your own journey and trust me, nobody could be a better narrator than you. People still question me on my career choice, but I am self-sufficient and happy. And, I think that matters the most.

The post I Chose My Own Career And Society Called Me A ‘Dreadful Woman’ appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

“ठीक से बैठो”… “30 की हो गई और अभी तक शादी नहीं की”… “अरे जॉब करके क्या करोगी, आगे बच्चा ही तो पालना है”… “बड़ी बेशर्म हो इतने छोटे कपड़े पहनी हो”… ये वो बाते हैं जो हर लड़की को शायद लूप मोड में समाज के प्लेलिस्ट में सुननी पड़ती है और अगर गलती से भी तुमने ट्रैक बदलने की सोची तो तुम बन जाती हो सोसायटी के संस्कारी स्टैंडर्ड में ना फिट होने वाली बिगड़ी हुई लड़की।

क्या कभी इन बंदिशों की लक्ष्मण रेखा को पार करने की कोशिश की है या फिर बिगड़ने की कोशिश की है। ट्राई करके देखो, बड़ा मज़ा आएगा और दिल को सुकून भी मिलेगा। लड़कियों, मैं तुम्हारी मदद के लिए मिलवाती हूं इन स्टीरियोटाइप्स को तोड़ने वाली ‘गज़ब वुमनिया’ से।

‘गज़ब वुमनिया’ अपनी शर्तों पर जीना जानती है और ‘हाय राम ज़माना क्या कहेगा’ का लोड ज़्यादा नहीं लेती है। उसपर ना ही किसी पड़ोस वाली आंटी के फिज़ूल के लेक्चर का असर होता है और ना ही लड़कियों के लिए बने कोई भी बेफिज़ूल के नियम उसपर चलते हैं। ये ‘गज़ब वुमनिया’ हर लड़की लिए बहुत खास है। खास इसलिए कि वो अपने साथ ही तमाम लड़कियों को भी बिगड़ना सिखाती है, वो बताती है कि लड़कियों के लिए बनी समाज में बंदिशों के खिलाफ कैसे जवाब देना है। वो अलग-अलग सिचुएशन में सोसाइटी को अपने अंदाज़ में गज़ब का जवाब देती है। जैसे-अगर कोई आंटी उसके काले रंग को लेकर चिंता जताती हैं तो वो सीधे कहती है-“अरे आंटी आइए अपने रंग से आपकी सोच पर भी टीका लगा दूं।”

‘गज़ब वुमनिया’ मेरी कल्पना ज़रूर है लेकिन, उसके साथ ही वो मेरे जीवन की एक ऐसी साथी है जो मुझे असल ज़िन्दगी की हर सिचुएशन में एक राह दिखाती है। वो मुझे बताती है कि लड़की होने के कारण जब समाज आपकी आज़ादी पर पहरा देने लगे तो उस समाज को कैसे अपने स्टाइल में हैंडल करना है। ‘गज़ब वुमनिया’ मेरी अपनी झलक है और उसके जवाब देने के अनोखे स्टाइल में मेरे अंदर का विरोध है। अपने परिवार में तो कभी मुझे लड़कियों के लिए बने स्टीरियोटाइप्स को झेलना नहीं पड़ा, लेकिन ये समाज मुझे भी हर मोड़ पर लड़की होने का एहसास दिलाता रहा है। कई मामलों में तो मैंने उस सिचुएशन में सीधे जवाब दिया लेकिन कई ऐसे भी मौके आए जब मैं जवाब दे नहीं सकी। आज वो सारे जवाब ‘गज़ब वुमनिया’ मेरी तरफ से दे रही है। तो आइए नज़र डालें ‘गज़ब वुमनिया’ कॉमिक सीरिज़ पर और ‘गज़ब वुमनिया’ की तरह हम सब एक बार बिगड़ने की कोशिश करें।

अगर कोई कहे “लड़की हो तुम!”, तो उनको ‘गज़ब वुमनिया’ का ये जवाब।

उन तमाम लोगों को ‘गज़ब वुमनिया’ का ये जवाब जो लड़कियों को बताते हैं किस उम्र में क्या करना है।

शादी के नाम पर तुम्हारा भी कोई इंटरव्यू लेने आए तो ‘गज़ब वुमनिया’ का ये जवाब याद रखना।

गोरेपन की तरह-तरह की तरकीब सुझाने वालों को ‘गज़ब वुमनिया’ का ये जवाब देते जाना।

मीडिया वाले बॉस जब तुमको ‘लड़की हो सॉफ्ट स्टोरी करो’ बोलें तो ‘गज़ब वुमनिया’ का ये जवाब मत भूलना।

अगली बार किसी लड़की को नाज़ुक कहने से पहले सोच लेना, कहीं आपको भी ‘गज़ब वुमनिया’ के किक जैसा झटका ना लग जाए।

आप गज़ब वुमनिया को फेसबुक पर भी फॉलो कर सकते हैं #GazabWomania के साथ।

The post लड़कियों, तुम्हें बिगाड़ने और जीना सिखाने आ गई है ‘गज़ब वुमनिया’ appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.

If you’re an introvert, it means that you don’t have many friends. If you’re an introvert, it means that you’re too shy. If you are an introvert, it means that you’re egoistic, because you don’t talk (well, that is what the society believes.)

Just keep these arguments aside for a moment. I’d like to believe that being an introvert is actually a good thing. Being an introvert means you don’t have weekends engulfed with unnecessary hullabaloo. At times, not having a plan is actually a good thing.

Sometimes, hanging out with yourself is perhaps the most pleasing and satisfying thing on a fine Saturday evening. I will give you my example: Everyday, after leaving office, I have this habit of reading a book while I’m on my way back. Most of my weekends are spent surfing the internet (rather abusing it). I’m a big movie buff and download a lot of films. This Saturday (October 7, 2017), I downloaded as many as four different movies and watched them one after the other, without a so-called break in between.

When I feel like hanging out, I make my way to a nearby park in order to have a leisurely stroll. I love sitting alone, sipping a hearty cup of tea or coffee. You can be surrounded by countless unknown faces while you’re there. But, society thinks it’s pathetic because apparently, the best thing to do in life is to socialise.

Just because a person is an introvert, doesn’t mean that they don’t communicate with people. I like indulging in constructive arguments, deep discussions, friendly chats, etc. When I have a lot of time, I like having detailed chats with my best friends. I just ping them over WhatsApp or Messenger and there we are, spending hours, chatting about random things, right from the hits and misses of cricket, to the ups and downs of life. The only thing I’d like to reiterate is that I don’t like jumping unnecessarily into an argument I know nothing about. I won’t speak if I have nothing worth saying.

The problem that exists in our society is that of solo-shaming. If you’re alone, people would perceive it as bad. Quite often, the society ends up misunderstanding introverts. Introverts are often labelled as an egotist. Being an introvert is absolutely fine, and it’s not something that makes you a ‘bigda hua egoistic ladka or ladki’. Being an introvert simply means that I’m able to trust my own inner self. It serves as a source of guidance.

Being an introvert also means that I’m able to organise my thoughts in a meticulous manner, without someone’s undue interference. I can back myself to do anything and everything. Last, but certainly not the least, I can reflect upon my mental state. Spending time alone is perhaps the best way to introspect. Introversion is often confused with shyness. Most introverts think deeply (I’m not trying to say I do that.)

As a matter of fact, introverts can be found struggling at work. If you’ve ever been on a client call you know nothing about, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Attending client calls and client meetings is quite normal these days, but if you’re an introvert who likes being quiet, it can well become one of your greatest challenges.

The biggest challenge you’ll face as an introvert is accepting who you are. Once you’ve accepted yourself, it doesn’t really matter what the society thinks. You don’t owe an explanation to anybody because it’s your life, and that’s the only thing the society needs to know.

The post Being An Introvert Doesn’t Make You An Egoistic, ‘Bigda Hua Ladka’ appeared first and originally on Youth Ki Awaaz and is a copyright of the same. Please do not republish.